Funny Short Sayings

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

VeryHappyPig is a very wise pig indeed!

Funny Animal Pics

April Fools Day Is Almost Here!!

Here's a few pranks you can play on this pig's favourite day of the year- April Fools Day.

Offer to make a sandwich for the victim. But don’t remove the wrapper from the slice of cheese. When they bite down they’ll get a chewy surprise.

Put a few drops of green food coloring in the milk to make it look as if it has soured. When someone pours it in the morning, they will think it has gone bad.

Remove the dining room table and hide it somewhere. Take the tablecloth and other items that were on the table and arrange them on the floor in the exact position they were in originally.

Buy a package of “hair extensions” that match the victim’s hair. (Inexpensive ones can usually be found in the hair accessory section of a drug store or grocery store.) Snip some strands about the length of the victim's real hair and spread it around on their pillow while they are asleep. They will wake up to a real fright!

Attach an old leash to the back bumper of the victim’s car. Attach a collar to the leash so it drags on the ground. If you want you can put the collar around a stuffed animal. Hopefully, you can ride along and watch the reaction of the other drivers on the road!

Use a computer to print out some signs that say “PUSH” and “PULL.” Go to a local store and paste them on the door (on the wrong sides of course!). Then stay nearby and watch the confusion!

Stand outside a window while the victim is watching television, and use a universal remote control to change channels, adjust the volume, etc.

Block off a door with plastic wrap. When the victim opens the door and tries to walk through, they will bounce right off.

With the victim looking on, pretend you see a fly in the room. Grab a fly swatter and chase it around for awhile. Then make a big swat, reach down and grab the “fly” (actually a raisin you’ve concealed in your hand), and gobble it down.

Find a house key (or car key) that looks identical to the victim’s key and switch them when they aren’t looking. Laugh when they try desperately to unlock the door.

Go into the kitchen and swap the contents of one cupboard with the contents of another cupboard.

Hide the speaker of a baby monitor in the room where the victim is sitting (under the couch works well). Then make random sounds every 3 or 4 minutes, just enough to drive them crazy, but not enough for them to track down exactly where the sound is coming from.

VeryHappyPig says oh the pranks I'm gonna play on the other piggy's on the farm this year..... they are going to be the stuff of legends!!

And You Thought You Were Having A Bad Day!

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making guy steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“Today is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out of the cab, I forgot my wallet, cash and credit cards in the there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“When I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

VeryHappyPig says don't worry, there is always someone having a worse day than you!

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Let us know if you can think of any words which should exist!

Funny One Liners

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

VeryHappyPig says hehehehe, hope they made you smile!

Losing Your Eyesight?!!

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

VeryHappyPig has a terrible of habit of peeing in the wardrobe after a few drinks!!

Family Loyalty.....

A lawyer and his brother were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.
The brother said "What should we do?"
The lawyer said "I'm gonna run for it."
The brother said "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"
The lawyer said "I don't have to outrun HIM-- I only have to outrun YOU."

VeryHappyPig says who needs enemies with family like this!

Very Funny Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Jokes Ideal For Texting.... Cos They're Short!!

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy

Don't spend €2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to Barnardos instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action

They might not make you split your sides laughing but they will make you smile.... a little anyway!!