30 Minutes To A Cleaner House

You're having company over in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight
when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger.
CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.
Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest
of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)
Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.
Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.
Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 10: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.
Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 11: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.
Time: 0

SECRET TIP 12: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.
Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 13:
If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.

Funny Food Quotes

Diet Coke with lemon - didn’t that used to be called Pledge?
Jay Leno

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Alfred E. Newman

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.
Sam Levenson

Vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter
Author unknown

It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.
Julia Child

In Mexico, we have a word for sushi: bait.
José Simons

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.
Totie Fields

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.
Rita Rudner

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
George Carlin

Fun-sized Snickers? Who’s this fun for? Not me. I need six or seven of these babies in a row to start having fun.
Jeff Carlin

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
W.C. Fields

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.
Jay Leno

The two biggest sellers in bookstores are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.
Andy Rooney

The only two things I don’t eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner.
Author unknown

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Mander

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.
Julia Child

Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! ~Tommy Smothers

You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.” ~Yogi Berra

If God had intended us to be vegetarians, why did He make animals out of meat?” - John Cleese

And the best one of all..... "Beer: The cause of and solution to, all of life’s problems." - Homer Simpson

How to Bake a Cake (With Small Children Around!)

Ingredients
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
2 large eggs, Out of reach of children
1/3 cup sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt

Directions
1. Preheat Oven, Get out bowl, spoons and ingredients, and Grease and Flour Pan.

2. Remove 5 crayons, 2 toy cars and One stuffed Bear from kitchen table.

3. Measure 1 Cup Flour.

4. Remove childrens hands from flour, wash flour off children.

5. Measure one more cup flour to replace flour on floor and table.

6. Put flour, baking powder and salt in a sifter.

7. Get dust pan to sweep up pieces of broken bowl children have knocked onto the floor.

8. Get another bowl, answer phone, return to table.

9. Get greased pan and a new bowl, remove crayon from pan.

10. Go look for quiet children

11. Answer phone again.

12. Return to kitchen and take greased pan from child, who flees, knocking new bowl off of table -- again.

13. Wash floor, table, walls, dishes and children.

14. Call local bakery.

15. Go Lie down.

A VeryHappyPig Tip: Don't attempt to bake when you have kids, just memerize directions to local shop!

Ladies Vs Real Women..... The Food Tips!

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. Real Woman - Woolies frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.

And finally the most important tip.... Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Woman - Leftover wine??

Funny Food Names!

They Couldn't Think Of Better Names, No!?

The 11 Steps To BBQ Cooking

BBQ - the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the ‘BBQ’ the following chain of events are usually set in motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drink in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off’ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

VeryHappyPig is all for BBQ safety so men, take note of these tips and be more understanding in future.... for your own sake!!

Not Quite Food But A Recipe Everyone Should Know All The Same....

How to make a mojito:

Ingredients
2-3 oz Light rum
Juice of 1 Lime (1 oz)
2 tsp Sugar
2-4 Mint sprigs
Soda water

Gently mix the mint and sugar with a splash of soda water in a mixing glass until the sugar dissolves and you smell the mint.

Squeeze the lime into the glass, add rum and shake with ice.

Strain over cracked ice in a highball glass.

Top with soda water, garnish with mint sprig and serve.

VeryHappyPig says this is a damn nice cocktail if made right!

The Rules of Eating Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

VeryHappyPig is a chocoholic and proud of it!

Interesting Tips For Around The House....

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle-perfect shaped pancakes every time.

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top-skillet will be much easier to clean now.

Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces-no more stains.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead-no white mess on the outside of the cake.

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato-it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it will keep for weeks.

Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful, glossy finish.

Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar or 1/2 c. of milk to boiling water to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.

To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh-if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leave a lovely smell to the shine.

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

NOW Look what you can do with Alka Seltzer: Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain, followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar, wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

VeryHappyPig is giving some useful tips for a change! Take note everyone, it might not happen again!!

Good Diet Tips

There aren't any calories in food on someone else's plate.

Touching a skinny person gives them all the calories.

If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet fizzy drink with a chocolate bar, they cancel each other out.

When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

Drive-Tru's do not count as food or calories.

STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Cake with writing on the top (e.g., “Happy Birthday”) has no calories

If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the left hand has no calories.

Food made especially for you has no calories.

Frozen foods like ice cream can have no calories, because calories are units of heat.

Impaling food with toothpicks removes the calories.

Food licked off of spoons and knives during the preparation of a meal has no calories.

VeryHappypig says and these are the reasons why I am a size 6 piggy!!